Womans text to husband..." Help windows frozen"

" Don't worry love just pour some warm water over it and just gently tap it with hammer"

" I've done this and we have a problem"

"What problems? "

" Your monitor is cracked and the computer doesn't work anymore"

I don't understand why people complain about not getting eight hours sleep a night.



It's so easy to do








I can do it with my eyes closed

Paddy goes for a job interview

He gets the offer of the job so he asks what the wages are?

"It's £10.60 per hour for the first six months then £18 per hour after that ",
When can you start, he's asked









In six months time

A man and his family are staying at a hotel. The man asks the employee at the front desk if the adult channels are disabled.

No, it’s just regular p*rn, you sick f*ck.

After almost 55 years on this planet I had an epiphany today.


I now know why I'm FAT


STRESSED spelt backwards is DESSERTS




and I've been stressed many times in my life

I had to go to the Grange A&E Department last night.





I don't want to bore you with any details but just a warning to be had





DYSON BALL CLEANER vacuum is a dangerously misleading product name

After a few 'issues' my doctor told me I'm chronically important...after another disappointing night I think I may have misheard him.

CathedralCounty wrote: August 16th, 2023, 10:22 am After a few 'issues' my doctor told me I'm chronically important...after another disappointing night I think I may have misheard him.

Was that your other half buying new batteries for your hearing aid

neilcork68 wrote: August 19th, 2023, 5:07 pm

CathedralCounty wrote: August 16th, 2023, 10:22 am After a few 'issues' my doctor told me I'm chronically important...after another disappointing night I think I may have misheard him.

Was that your other half buying new batteries for your hearing aid

Given the issue in this scenario new batteries for something else?!

CathedralCounty wrote: August 20th, 2023, 12:15 pm

neilcork68 wrote: August 19th, 2023, 5:07 pm

CathedralCounty wrote: August 16th, 2023, 10:22 am After a few 'issues' my doctor told me I'm chronically important...after another disappointing night I think I may have misheard him.

Was that your other half buying new batteries for your hearing aid

Given the issue in this scenario new batteries for something else?!

Is it me or does that buzzing spoil the moment ?

neilcork68 wrote: August 21st, 2023, 10:29 am

CathedralCounty wrote: August 20th, 2023, 12:15 pm

neilcork68 wrote: August 19th, 2023, 5:07 pm

CathedralCounty wrote: August 16th, 2023, 10:22 am After a few 'issues' my doctor told me I'm chronically important...after another disappointing night I think I may have misheard him.

Was that your other half buying new batteries for your hearing aid

Given the issue in this scenario new batteries for something else?!

Is it me or does that buzzing spoil the moment ?

Without casting aspersions on your 'gender identity' you may not be the target audience?! Sure there is a joke in there somewhere about a neighbour being convinced there was a beehive next door but turned out not to be...?

I'm not saying I'm having a run of bad luck but I left two Man United season tickets in my car that was broken into last night.

I don't like the fact that some scumbag broke into my car , it's the fact that they left another two in there

My wife wants me to stimulate her clitoris with Greek cheese.

I wasn't sure whether to go ahead, but it seems it's a Feta Come Plea.

So I'm at Pets at Home buying a bag of dog food for my dog
While in the queue, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog Why else would I be buying dog food?
So being top notch with the banter I told her "No, I don't have a dog, I'm starting my Dog Food Diet again" and that I probably really shouldn't because the last time, I had ended up in hospital, in intensive care with IV's in both arms and tubes coming out of most orifices. But I had lost 3 stone in 4 Weeks!
I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and all you have to do is load your pockets with handfuls of dry dog food and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I get the 'Complete' food as it is nutritionally balanced, so it works really well, and I decided that I was going to give it another go.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story)
Horrified, she asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her "No, I stepped off a kerb to sniff a Cocker Spaniel's arse and a lorry hit me.